Excitement The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
	Proper Pronunciation An American was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist. "A bit airy..." remarked the American. Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly, " 'ell yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"
	Death Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy". "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for God to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven". Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened, the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!" "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!' and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
	Deserted Island There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following group of people is stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman One month later on this absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following has occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois". The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming. The Irish began by dividing up their island, Northside and Southside, and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but at least the English are not getting any. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the American woman keeps on talking about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining. ...AND... The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman.
	Bathing Suit The difference between bathing suits of Now and Then is that the bathing suits of the past required that you open the suit to see the buttocks The bathing suits today require that you open the buttocks to see the suit
	Code word An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week later, the new priest visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. The priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
	Religious lover First time a girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
	Wish come true There was this little girl who always passed by her sister's bedroom before going to hers. One day she saw her sister touching herself all around, playing with herself and saying, "Ohhhhhhh I gotta have a man, I need to have a man!" The little girl was very surprised at her sister's strange behavior but decided to ignore it. The next day when she passed her sister's bedroom, the same thing happened. The same thing happened the next day and the next and the next. But the next day the little girl actually saw her sister with a man. "WOW!!!" the little girl was impressed. She ran up to her room and started touching herself just like her sister did and said, "Ohhhhhhh I gotta have a bike! I need a bike!"
	Listen to the music One day a man returns home from work to find his wife in bed with another man with his head between her breasts. He cries, "What the hell do you think you are doing?" The young man replied, "Listening to music." The husband pushes the man aside and puts his head between her breast and listens. "I don't hear any music!" says the husband. To which the man replies, "Your not plugged in."
	Measurement The army decided to discharge 3 generals. They decided to give them a certain amount of money for every inch of their body. The first general went into the room and they measured him. He got $769,000. The second general went into the room and he raised his arm and he got $900,000. The third general went into the room and he told them to measure from the tip of his dick to the back of his balls. The guy that was measuring them got the measuring tape and said, "Where are your balls?" The general replied, "Back in Vietnam. Start measuring!"