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Please E-mial me any joke you would like included in 'Music Jokes' section
24 Ways to Know if You've Been in Band too Long
24. You actually like marching band and would kill to do it all year long.
23. The drummers start making sense to you.
22. You have to stay in step with people around you while walking.
21. You direct the songs on the radio.
20. Playing "stare down" with the drum major is no fun anymore.
19. You wonder what life would be like if you weren't in band.
18. You roll step while you walk to class.
17. You practice your marching music on a daily basis.
16. You think Louie Louie is the best song ever written.
15. You major in music and usse your high school band director as a role model.
14. Those stupid "band humor" jokes are the funniest things you ever heard.
13. You pick out instruments from the music in cartoons.
12. You start screaming "LEFT! LEFT! LEFT!" to people that walk in front of
you on the way to class.
11. Drummers start making sense to you.
10. You've dated everyone in the band and now wonder if you've ever gonna have
another date.
9. you think that trumpeters have a right to be egotistical.
8. You don't think flutiest have a slight attitude problem.
7. You change from your instrument to the tuba.
6. You have perfect pitch.
5. The band director is always right.
4. You marry that special someone in your section.
3. You have kids and force them to be in music.
2. Drummers make lots of sense to you.
1. You can relate to more that a fourth of these things!
1. What do Ginger Baker and canteen coffee have in common?
They both suck without Cream.
2. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, so long as the roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb
in the socket for him.
3. What is the difference between a chiropidist and Ginger Baker?
A chiropidist bucks up your feet
4. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better Neil
Peart would have done it.
5. How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.
6. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
He doesn't know when to come in
7. How can you tell when the drum riser is level?
Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
8. What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
9. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None: they have a machine to do that now.
10. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?
Q. How can you tell if a plane is full of flute players?
A. When the engines stop, the whining continues
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They have a machine that does that now.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door ?
A: The knocking always speeds up.
Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room ?
A: They never know when to come in.
Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light buld?
A: 50. 1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that
better.
Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.
Q: How do lead trumpet players greet each other?
A: "Hi, I'm better than you."
Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
Q: What's the difference between a moose and a blues band?
A: The moose has the horns up front and the asshole behind.
Q: How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Bono holds up the light bulb, and the universe revolves
around his ass.
Q: Why is it good that drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
Q: What's the difference between a band director lying dead in the road and
a squirrel?
A: The squirrel has skid marks.
Q: What's the difference between a trombonist lying dead in the road and a squirrel
lying dead in the road?
A: The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor
Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.
Q: How do you get a trumpet player and an alto saxophonist to play in tune?
A: Shoot the alto player.
Q: What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
A: A violin burns faster.
Q: Why is a violist like a terrorist?
A: They both f**k up bowings.
Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.
Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.
Q: What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and
a smoking crater where his house used to be. The cheif of poice comes over
to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house,
killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're
kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor
askes the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe
loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that
seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you
crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"
One day Bob stepped into a pawn shop. He looked around but didn't see anything
he liked. Bob was about to leave, when he noticed a stuffed squirel sitting
atop a dusty old shelf. Bob said to the owner "Can I have that squirrel?"
The owner said "Yes, sure, on one condition: you must never bring it back."
So Bob took the stuffed rodent and started walking down the street. A few feet
later he heard a noise. Bob turned around, and to his surprise, a real live
squirrel was follwing him! Bob quickened his pace and walked a little farther,
then turned back and ten squirrels were following him! Bob started jogging,
but after a little while, he turned back and there was a whole sidewalk full
of squirrels!
Now Bob was scared. He ran as fast as he could, and then he got to the ocean.
There, at the water's edge, he took the stuffed squirrel and flung it as far
as he could into the brine. And then the whole townfull of squirrels jumped
into the ocean!
Bob went back to the pawn shop. The owner asked why he had come. "Don't you
remember I told you not to bring the stuffed squirrel back?"
"Oh yes" Bob assured him. "I didn't bring it back. I was just wondering if you
had a saxophone."
The composition of a string quartet:
1 good violinist
1 bad violinist
1 really bad violinist who became a violist
1 cellist who hates all violinists.
What is the difference between...
.. A french horn and a lawnmower?
You can tune a lawnmower.
.. An oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.
.. A saxophone and a chainsaw?
The grip.
.. An accordion and a trampoline?
You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the
trampoline.
.. A trumpet player and a government bond?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.